Surprise Ending

Reading verses from Job. Job 19:1-27 to be exact. Starting to read this out of context, I thought it was Job talking to God. I have had those conversations. Why me? I am good, faithful, I read my Bible, I even teach Sunday School Why am I going through so much stuff.

But, I realized this was Job talking to his supposed friend, Bildad It dawned on me, the Book of Job is not God testing Job, but Job coming to the same realization that I am just now starting to get. I don't deserve anything. Anything I have done of any worth is out of the kindness of His heart and/or the work of His hands in, out, on, and through me.

The other day, I was pretty overwhelmed with the financial struggles we were going through. I started to go into the litany of why is this happening to such good folks and why He should hear and answer my prayers. But those words would not come. Out of my mouth came the words, "Have mercy on me". Now to me, that was some type of communion liturgy, not something us common folks would utter. But utter the words I did. In a most dramatic and soul-wrenching way.

It was freeing. It was as if I was a lawyer with my evidence on the table in front of me and in an instance, it disappeared and I had nothing. I was about to start my arguments, and I had not one shred of evidence. Not one thing of worth that would prove I was worthy. The only thing I had and could cling to was His nature, His grace, and hopefully His mercy.

I think that is what God wanted Job to experience. Job was blessed with so much and in that day and age, that translated to muy righteousness. As human beings, we just weren't built to handle that. What we have, the "good" things that come our way become the proof of our worth, the object of our attention, and ultimately the sign of our righteousness. Whether we plan it that way or not. Heck, we may not even
see it that way.

What is so cool about the Book of Job, is that even though it seems to be a betting match with the devil, God is doing what He does best. He uses evil to produce good. Job, after his fall, was twice the man he was before. With a leg up from the devil. Bet there was some snickering in heaven when that story ended.

The Least,

This morning, I fed the homeless......

This morning, the homeless fed me.

I have never been this close to poverty. I have contributed to our church pantry, bought the occasional turkey dinner for "those less fortunate". But today, I was in their midst. A church in Houston has been feeding the homeless since 1981. Every morning, they have over 200 men and women show up at their door, hungry and anxious. Yesterday, I was one of the many that joined them to open that door, greet them, and say "Come on in"

I talked to them, as I cleaned tables. They commented on the weather last night. A horrific electrical storm with strong winds. As I talked with them, it was hard to remember I spent it huddled in a nice warm bed. If they were lucky they might have found room under the bridge. We both knew the forecast of the weekend. For me, it would help me know how to dress. For them, it would help them know how to survive.

I was told there were over 18,000 homeless in Houston. In this country, many retired folks migrate to the warmer states to spend the winter, usually in RV's or to homes they keep here. We call them Winter Texans. I found among the homeless, there are Winter Texans as well.

I spoke with a Vietnam vet. He spoke of the discrimination by the city against the homeless. He said this with a mouthful of biscuit and gravy, provided by the kindness of the hearts of that same city.

I talked to a newbie. I found that although, this is a time for plenty, it provides special inconveniences. If newly disconnected, you still looked normal. You could blend in at the library or spend time in the unemployment office to warm up. Holidays closed many of those warm spots down.

Others, like me, feeling the pull of their hearts and responding in kind, brought little treats of snacks, Bibles, and rain gear. I realized that a lot of folks choose this life. There is a hobo trail that leads from churches to shelters. From meal to meal. From hand-out to hand-out. Some of them have it down, even to their demeanor. The humble posture, the downcast eyes, the shuffling steps.

But there are so many others, that for them, this is life. Life as they know it. Life as I see it, this one Christmas Eve morning. When I found time in my busy holiday schedule to pop down and wipe a table or two.

I left with a new perspective....a new humility. I left with a strong resolve to do this again, more often. Knowing in my heart of hearts, I probably won't.
I left, realizing that no matter what the reason, Jesus said "Come" and they did.

And I got to see it.

Heck,I got to play "Him".

The Next Thing

Tough Times

This is the first Christmas that I have really felt the pinch of hard times. I have been in them before, but I guess my youth and exuberance shielded me from the entire blow. Not so this year.

In saying that, this is one of the most blessed Christmas' I have ever experienced. I think I am getting the hang of focusing on "The Next Thing".

I love to play games. Crossword, solitaire, puzzles, sudoku - you name it, I love it. Computers and the internet have opened a myriad of opportunities and to those of us who have a little OCD to contend with, it is either a blessing or a curse.
Free cell solitaire is one of my addictions.

I woke up this AM in a funk. All the serious and possible ramifications of our present financial situation came down in full force on my sleepy and vulnerable mind. I pulled up a hand of free cell to engage my scattered thoughts. In this state of mind, I could not focus on the next cards available for play. My thoughts and sight followed up each row and I saw all the possibilities of future moves, etc. At the same time, however, I saw all the improbabilities. This did not improve my state of mind.

I realized that my favorite verses in Philippians 4 were twofold. In times of stress and turmoil, we must allow God to guard us from worry and things that might pull us down, interfering with our ability to see His hand and present guidance. However, in other times, we must ask for an equal share of wisdom, not to switch gear and lean on our own understanding. We must live in the moment. It is not a cop out, as sometimes I fear, but the only way I can live in His Light.

If I look up the row of days ahead and start estimating all the dire possibilities, I will get myself in a pickle. But if I make my best decision, with God's help, in the present day, the present hour, the present minute, I can leave the rest to Him.

Why? For the simple reason He knows what lies ahead.

I do not.

This Baby

This Baby

Why is this baby
Asleep on the hay
Who let this happen?
A manger to lay

Stable’s no nursery
What could be stranger
Animals too close
Posin’ a danger

And such young parents
There’s somethin’ amiss
Who gave them care of
A babe such as this?

Hmph! Silly baby gifts
Myrrh and frankincense
See those sharp edges?
Just don’t make no sense

Look at this company
Shepherds and their sheep
Too much noise in here
A child needs His sleep

I know a bedtime story
About a little boy
A mama just like yours
That Son, her pride and joy

Became a preacher man
No place to lay His head
Healed the sick, fed the poor
Til’ news about Him spread

Then some folks got angry
Tho’ He’d only come to save
Tried and crucified Him
Laid his body in a grave

Such a sad cradle song
Makes a body weep
Don’t worry, sweet baby
Rest and get your sleep,

I’ll make up a new story
That one needs mendin’
Leave out that mean ole cross
Give it a happy endin’

Jo

Emmanuel

God with us

I think of all the Christmas "names" that is my favorite. Counselor, King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords. All so dear and near, but none come as close as this one.

God with us

At this time of year,like all the Christmas's of my life, I spiritually stand at the manger. I have touched the manger, looked lovingly at the young couple, and cooed and gurgled with the baby. But in the recesses of my mind, I have always had an ominous feeling that I would have been one of those that would have said "How silly". The hopes of the world, born in a stable, on a cold winter's night? Hmph!

But this Christmas is different. Because I am different. I do not stand on what I know but am falling free among the wonder of what I don't. I don't think I have ever experienced Christmas before. Not really. I have not one decoration in my home. Not because I am a Scrooge, but because I am letting Christmas come to me on soft little cat paw's. It has slinked around the back of the chair and pounced on my heart. I give up, I am His. Forever and ever and ever. And He is mine

Emmanuel

It's A Wonderful Life

I watched a colorized version of the Christmas classic, "It's A Wonderful Life". I did not plan to, but I did.

I was expecting some brash, fake, colorization, but was pleasantly surprised. The color was subtly added and did not detract from the film. In fact, I saw things I had never seen before.

At the beginning of the story, George and Mary dance right into the school pool, and are walking home in borrowed clothing. Mary loses hers and ends up in a hydrangea bush. Never noticed that before.

Later in the story, due to a mishap, George and Mary spend their honeymoon in their delapidated new, old home. Mary and friends make it into a romantic getaway. A vase of flowers in the corner, just happens to be blue hydrangeas. What a special and memorable touch. I only knew because of their blue color.

I think the kingdom of God is like that. It is a dimension we can live in that is colorized. It does more than bring out the the blues and greens. He is able to open our eyes to all people and things around us. The problem is, sometimes it is more comfortable to return to the drab, muted grays of my life. Just to hide and blend in. I think maybe that is why I have to pursue Him. The colors are only visible when I am connected to the Vine. The Master Artist. He has the pallete. The coloring box with all the good colors And when I realize if I draw close enough, He is always open to sharing - WOW!

A Wonderful Technicolor Life!

But you can almost hear Him chuckle. Because He knows there would be no colors if it was not for the black and white and grays.........

What If?

What If?


What if
When I ask Him
To come into my heart,
He says He is already
There

Jo

A Mirror Image

Have you ever seen a baby look into a mirror for the the first time?

I have a big bed with an inset mirror in the headboard. The first time my nine month old granddaughter saw herself in it, she was stunned. I purposefully kept far to the side. Out of her line of vision. She greeted this "new baby" enthusiastically, reaching out to touch this mirror image. Miraculously, the mirror baby did the same.

When does a baby realize the baby in the mirror is, in fact, themselves.

I guess that is the question I am trying to answer in my life. When do I realize the man at the corner, asking for money, is me. When do I realize the 60 year old woman waiting tables, silently, hoping to blend in with the diner decor, is me. And hardest of all, the angry woman at the next desk, closing out the world, including me, by her steely glances and biting retorts. She is me as well

I think I am realizing that loving my neighbor is easier when I realize they are me. It is not hard to love myself. I just must find her in the mirror.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Saved?

I am flaking out

No longer do I hold ranks with the country club mentality of Christendom. I do not believe in once saved, always saved. I guess this is no surprise, I never did. But I did believe in the proverbial "boat to heaven" theory and I had my ticket. What scares me is I am, in fact, seriously contemplating the validity of this form of "salvation"! I used to call down lightening on folks such as I!

Wait a minute... Okay I can continue. I have not been turned into a crispy critter, so let me elaborate.

The things that bugged me in my former life were statements like "the kingdom of heaven is at hand". So much of what I took as the "gospel" in those formative years, I find can just as easily make an argument for the other side. Wait a minute, that is my side - that's a scary thought.

Christ was not one to stand on His laurels. I don't have a problem with inequality in life here or thereafter. I am not a universalist, thinking that God is good and kind and He must want everyone in heaven. I just think Christ came to earth to save us from something. He did not come to box us up, seal us with tape, and mark us "Heaven Bound - Handle with Care".

Perhaps He came to save us from ourselves. The spiritual bondage we are in -PERIOD. The inability to do or even to want to do right. Because we can't even get that right on our own. Even when we restrain ourselves and walk on the right side of "good", we draw the line there. The sins of ommission are given free rein and multiply like rabbits. Self induced piety does that to a person. Been there, done that.

God Saves. That was and is the business He specializes in. Be it Egypt or addiction, He is the one to call.

I am not completely clear on this so again, I state my disclaimer. I am not a theologian, not formally educated in anyway. This opinion is not even set in stone.

I am so happy He is writing on my heart and not something had like tablets. It is much more malleable and edits so beautifully.

The Go Between

I have an only daughter. Enough said - almost.

She and her dad don't talk. They both go through me. Each tells me exactly what they feel, what they think about each other, what they think about me. But when they talk to each other, it is like one person trying to impress another. My daughter is funny and humorous, complimentary and loving. My husband cannot say no to anything she requests. He dotes on his grandkids, and generally bends over backwards. But to me they unload.

I am tired being the unloadee. I am tired of being the one that hears all the gripes and groans. I am sick of being the one that is constantly trying to remedy the situation, fix the problem, and then getting the grief for doing it. What is up with this!

Dads are different from daughters. They can just get so close. The relationship is one that is never exactly comfortable. Same way with daughters. They see him as the one coming in from work. The breadwinner, the boss. Thus they go through middle management - me.

I have resented this my whole life. Because each of them knows exactly what to say to me. They tell me everything and anything. They gripe, cajole, cry, and vent. And sometimes, it can be just too much to bear. Especially when what I think is the remedy to the situation is not appreciated.

I think Jesus must have felt like that. God and man. Each unable to communicate to the other. Man living up to what he/she thought God wanted. God trying unsuccessfully,for the major part, to express His love to man. Voila - enters Jesus - the Saviour. The go between, the fixer-upper, the middle man.

I have lost a little steam out of my sails of anger I started this blog with. Maybe I need to not worry about fixing my husband or my daughter. I just need to lay down and be a bridge...... Besides,I am used to being walked over....

Lost: One Sense of Humor

I have experimented the last few weeks. I have been thinking about laughter. I have lost mine. I don't think it is really my laugh. I still have it. Maybe it is the joy that gave birth to it. I don't know when I lost it. Perhaps it happened when I lost several loved ones in the course of a year. I think I might have lost it along that path. The financial stress and strains of these past few months, have not helped. If nothing else, they have surely kept me too busy to search for it.

But I have been looking and I am hot on the trail. The joy is found or expressed in the laughter. I have a trademark laugh. You can here me from across the room and you know it is me laughing. My family thinks it is annoying, my friends say they love it (what can I say they are friends). But I know when I laugh, I am filled with joy. And I guess when I am filled with joy, I laugh. So I have purposefully started making myself laugh.

Norman Cousins, author of Anatomy of an Illness, wrote about his experiences as a patient. He had an auto-immune disease that was very painful. He was very sick and was slowly dying. In a last ditch effort, he tried laughter. He started watching comedy. He would watch Marx brothers movies for hours at a time and laugh. He found that 4 hours of movies could produce 2 hours of pain free sleep. He pursued this and was eventually healed of the disease. Amazing..... More to come

Letting Go or Letting In

Grace..

That elusive, indescribable something. A gift, unmerited favor - no matter what you call it, everyone has a different perception of what it is. The ordinary blessings (whatever that means) in life - breath, light, food, shelter. Or maybe forgiveness - not asked for or even expected. Maybe the answers to prayer - when what we pray for coincides with what happens to us.

The parable of the Prodigal Son is one of my favorites. It is one of those scriptures that grows with you. In each stage of living, I have seen it from each character's perspective. As the child, I saw the generosity of the parent. As an obedient adult, I took the older brother's side. As a doting grandparent, I have seen the Father's view.

But today as I read it once more, it dawned on me the grace may not have been in the receiving of the wayward son home, but in the letting him go. In giving him what he asked for, knowing full well the trouble he would buy, the pain he would suffer, the humiliation and deprivation that might come. But doing it anyway. Not sure if he would ever return, much less escape unscathed - emotionally, spiritually, or even physically.

My generation, in parenting, put our children at the center of our lives. As such, we have created self-centered children. Tough love is a tough lesson many of us do not want to learn. But learning it, some of us are. Loving enough to let go, to cut off, to kick out. And it is the hardest thing we have ever done. But it is one of the greatest acts of love we may ever perform.

Is it in living, not in the favors, but the hurdles that are the blessings? The times He does not rescue me, but allows me to tread water. Even sink? Unmerited favor could very well be unwanted favor as well. The favor unwanted, because I do not look deeper than the surface. To see the Jewel shimmering just below the surface.

Wow, how much of my life becomes "on". Not waiting for the next encounter or next answer to prayer or the next retreat or the next stirring message. But every moment of the day - living, inhaling, exhaling the Living Lord. A God who lets me go and receives me home. Because that is the only way I will find Him.

Ahhhhh.....that is Grace

Blogging

Blogging is a different animal

I have read several blogs, by a variety of folks. Of course, my interest is in folks that are searching outside the box for God. People like me who have come to know God in a very personal way, in a very strict way. I cannot put blame on my church, parents, etc. It was a combination of things. My need to please, my OCD nature, my difficult life experiences at a very early age, the list goes on and on.

But one day, I sat at my computer, with tears streaming down my face, reading the "scripture" of various world religions and it hit me. God so loved the world! God so loved the world! He gave His only begotten Son, not to the sect of followers named Christians, but to all. He sent us into the world not to solicit membership to a club, but to introduce Him. He is not a doll to be dressed in a certain clothing, with a button we push that speaks pre-arranged messages. He is a living, breathing, changing, transforming, loving, empowering force that has been unleashed on the world. It is sad, but I and so many have Him on a leash, holding Him back, teaching Him tricks, making Him beg. Instead of letting Him loose and letting Him do what He does best. He is the piece that fits right into the empty spot in their hearts but that piece may not look the same as the one that fit into mine because the spot was not the same size. So I must let Him go and let Him be. I must let Him go and let Him do. I must let God be God and me be me with Him inside - working, transforming, living, and breathing in me. What a tough job I have! LOL!

Freedom - I never understood it until now. I am not Him. And the closest I will ever get to being Him, is letting Him reside in me. Loving the heck out of me.
Hallelujah.

As A Child

I have found a niche I am enjoying the scratching.

I am working with a little preschool choir at church. I did this in my former life, 25+ years ago. How funny to see how I have changed since that time.

As a mom of a 4 year old, I was very worried about the words of the songs, the way the children stood, how they behaved, if their robes were straight, etc. As a grandmother, I am enjoying the little girl on the front row, scratching where her petticoat rubs. The twin boys, fussing and struggling over who sings louder. The little one, catching her face on the sanctuary screens, making finger puppets. Mothers having real belly laughs as Junior waves at them from the steps.

If growing older means I am able to see with new eyes, bring it on. If it means getting the joy out of enjoy, sign me up. I am sure there are some in the audience that feel I am not an adequate or proper choir director. However, I feel there is One Person in the audience that is clapping His hands in glee right along with me.