Resolution or Resignation

I used to live for New Years.

Being a Type A personality, I would make a detailed list of all the things I would accomplish in the next year. I went through a phase,in which I focused on life areas. Physical, intellectual, recreational, spiritual, etc. I would set goals and daily/weekly/ and monthly chart my growth. Looking back, I am sure I developed some good habits, but in essence that was what they were. Habits. Ways in which I had trained myself to do what I had chosen to accomplish. When achieved or tackled, I would give myself a mental high five and look toward the next obstacle to defeat.

As the years passed, I began to realize there was only one person pleased with me. Me. Sure there were things I pledged to do that have added to my life enormously. Taking out time for family, studying the Bible, teaching, honing my vocational skills. But the success or reward was hollow for some reason.

As time went on, I mellowed and life's lessons taught me far much more than I cared to learn. The all important New Year's Resolutions were forgotten and I started trusting God for more and me for less. It was not a thunderbolt type of thing. Just that the more I pursued Him, studied His word - the less of me I found within. In the last years, I have found that less of me is not enough. I want more of Him.

A few months back, God and I had a talk and I told Him I would like to follow in the footsteps of my spiritual forefather, Solomon. Let me rephrase that. Not his footsteps, but in his request. I asked God for wisdom. I wanted to grow older AND wiser. In the beginning I could see myself years from now, rocking on the front porch,friends and family stopping by, just to talk to me. To ask me for a pearl of wisdom or a tidbit of knowlege. I was not so much worried about one day being lonely, but irrelevant. That scared me.

So I prayed and I waited. When things did not seem to change, I mentally drew on some ideas I had about wise people and figured emulation might be the road to success. Of course it quickly became just another thing on my To Do List and I quickly realized wisdom was not something I was going to hone. So I more or less left the request in my petitions, but did not actively pursue it.

That was the key - I did not do anything but ask. That was when it happened. Gradually, I could see things from a different perspective. I had never thought I had tunnel vision, but my scope was definitely becoming alot broader. It was not me or you, this or that. I could see the whole and how my part fit into it.

I dealt with folks in a different way. I found mentally, I was isolated. There were folks above me and below me. Not in regards to economics, race, sex, or education. Just that there were some folks that intimidated me and I subconsciously cowered and tried to please them or be like them. The folks "below" me were folks that were outside of my radar. My thinking just did not include them. They could be invisible for the care, concern, and/or compassion I gave them. I took them for granted.

Now with my burgeoning wisdom, I saw folks as they were. Up there folk were not all THAT. They were human just like me and I even began seeing the cracks in their facade. They did not drop "below" me, they just joined me on my playing field. What about the below folks, you may ask. I just began to notice them. That was the first step. This is an ongoing processe. I can see care working its way in there and I pray, literally, that care will ultimately lead to acts of compassion. Wow!

The important things in my life went through a fruit basket turn over. The things I thought the sun rose and set on, did not command that same place. I worried at first that I had a no care attitude, but it was not that. I just was not going to turn into stone if something did or did not happen. Another biggie for me.

Finally, I am way more peaceful. That is what is scaring me a little now. I began to trace the road of my life and found that the numerous trials and tribulations I have experienced have made me and the journey far better. So what I am going through now is not as scary or oppressive. I am too busy looking for the good stuff. I have to admit this is going to take alot of getting used to.

The New Year? I think on this day, the last day of 2010, it is a toss up between a a grateful heart or a gracious attitude. Since the root word of both is "grace" I am thinking I might get two for one. What do you think?