In Philippians it says:
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything in prayer WITH THANKSGIVING, make your requests known and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus
This is a scripture I turn to, time and again. I am a professional worrier. I am not kidding. If there could be a PHD in anxiety, I would hold it. I have been a student since I was a kid. My little brother was burned very badly in my presence when I was 8 and he was 6. Over half of his body, third degree burns. His clothes caught fire and as my mother tried to remove the burning clothes from his little body, I pulled burning furniture from the house and put out assorted fires within it. I became an adult that day. I became the mother to a one year old sister, and the unspoken matriarch of a family in the absence of my parents ability to care for both the horrendous two year ordeal of over 20 surgeries my little brother underwent and the trials, emotionally, spiritually, and financially that this brought to them and our family. Until this year some 40+ years later, did I realize, that was when I earned my degree in worry. I did not sign up for the course, it was thrust upon me and my life became a series of "continuing education" courses, either experienced personally or third person in the emotional and physical care of myself, close friend, and family that have gone through horrific experiences. I guess in a way, my anxiety was being fueled and fed, as I watched the worst nightmares realized in the lives of those I loved.
Each trial, loomed large and intense, because it the was the present one. It clouded my thoughts, my common sense, my energies, and fueled the already heightened anxiety I naturally had. But as I have grown older and hopefully wiser, mentally and spiritually, I have begun to look for the "blessing" sooner in the ordeal. It is like a child knowing there is a lollipop after the shot and after so many, you start looking for the lollipop before immediately afterwards. Then during. And finally even as it starts. Silly analogy, but it will have to do for now.
It is the thanksgiving that is the key. Sometimes, the small things we can find to be thankful for, are the only life preservers we have in this sea of pain and suffering. The key is to know the power gratitude has to keep us afloat. The key is to know it is His provision and His presence and His power that makes it possible.
I love reading your blog, your thoughts. This is a prime example of that.
ReplyDeleteThe lollipop. Yes :) That is spiritual maturity. I was just listening to some podcasts on prayer and he was talking about the process of barrenness, of dryness, of going through the motions of things, of stopping things. This has been my struggle. So many different ways of stymying myself in my creativity. I haven't touched any clay for two weeks. I am redrafting the first short story I've written in two years but it's been sitting there for the past several days. I am so scared of entering back into community. All of these things and this week has just really been a process of putting one foot in front of the other. It's all so hard!!
But the lollipop, yes. And the picking up where you last put things down. The resumption of learning, of sitting at his feet and learning from him when we realise we've got up and are having a panic attack in the corner. I really do think that is the key. Never giving up. Continuing on. I loved in this podcast on prayer I was just listening to he said that the children of acedia (apathy, of not even caring that you are apathetic about things you care about) breeds the children joy and love (a paraphrase probably pretty far off, but it just spoke to me, about how I often call this a "journey" and for good reason, that there are always stages to pass through. It's keeping the gumption to keep walking on.
Thanks for this :)
Ditto. Your blog is something I look forward to reading as well. You are so honest and you see deeper than the average "Sue".
ReplyDeleteI once read about an older woman that lost her only grandson. Friends flocked to her to offer comfort when there was none to be had. She kindly declined their company and attempts. She said she needed to "tuck in for awhile". I like that. I have done it for periods. Sometimes it is for a few days, sometimes it is for a season.
Sometimes I am licking my wounds. Sometimes I am giving my soul a bath. Sometimes, I am calling "time out" when the game is too rough or painful. I think that is OK and I think you are OK. You must realize you are not sitting idly by your unfinished story or unmolded clay. You are speaking to and for others that are in the same place. That is creativity at its best.
Well, thanks, Jo.
ReplyDeleteAs it happens, I am seriously considering closing my blog down. But I will most likely pick it up in some new fashion after a time, so I will make sure to let you know when I do.